It might have been...

So, today I went to church and heard a sermon from one of my heroes of the faith...a gentle man, a prince among men, stately and tall in form and stature. He not only looms tall in physical height but also in spiritual height as well. He has a gentle heart but has been able to lay a foundation amidst turmoil for women in the Alliance.

It was a powerful message...not only in presentation....he beautifully went from John Greenleaf Whittier's poem, Maud Muller, into the Old Testament story of Saul's life, to the New Testament story of Saul of Tarsus....it was a beautiful word picture painted by one of the most gifted painters of my day....he is able to create a picture with words the way Michelango creates a picture with paint. It was elegant in form....but it was also powerful in content....

He ended the message with...."Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.'" I am pondering those words....

Summer time

Sun, breeze, watermelon, strawberries, rhubarb.....it's official....it is a perfect day.

And now...to top it off, a nap.

Wake up sleepy head

So, today I walked into my 18 year old daughter's, Katie, room to wake her up....

It was my last time to wake her up for school...I found her in a huddled lump under her blankets....same thing I found 18 years ago....

I said, "Katie, it's time to wake up. It's your last day of school." At this moment my eyes start to moisten....I am picturing the first morning that I woke her up for school.....

Of course, she being 18 says, "Hmmmmm......I know mom.....no big deal....you can leave now."

A quick slap back to the reality of a teenager!

Boobs and Margaritas

So, today....funny moment....

I am sitting at a farewell luncheon at work.....talking to a small residual group.....we are talking about how much we will miss Tess, the woman who is leaving.

Bryan states, "I will miss Tess on Cinco de Mayo."

Marilyn says, "Isn't that a pagan holiday?"

I say, "No, it is NOT a pagan holiday.....you just get to drink as many margaritas as you can on that day."

Then Bryan says, "No, Tess always brings in the best mexican food....enchiladas and quesadillas..."

Marilyn then responds.....are you ready......"Yes, but you have to flash your boobs first."

To which I respond, "Marilyn, that is Mardi Gras.....not Cinco de Mayo!"

So.....just remember.....you don't have to flash your boobs to get a margarita....oh wait....tequila does makes your clothes fall off.....so maybe that happens after the margaritas!

May I please go to the bathroom now

So, today was one of those days when you just can't catch your breath....I survived....I think....

It started with garbage out to the curb at 7:30am....followed by loading up the children to drop them off at school for Beta Club....fly back to work....go to an 8:30am meeting....followed by a 10:00am meeting...run from that meeting back to the high school to drop off a $30 check for graphic arts class....fly back home to pick up mexican food for a luncheon....fly back to work and go to a farewell luncheon....leave the luncheon and go to another meeting....leave that meeting and run across the campus to another meeting.....leave that meeting amidst my cell phone ringing off the hook to find out that my son is waiting for me to take him to soccer tryout.....drive home and arrange my 18 year old to drive her 15 year old sister to the high school at 6:45pm....put chicken in a pot on the stove and turn on the burner and set the time....tell my 15 year old that she can eat the chicken when the timer goes off.....load up my son and take him to soccer tryouts....sign all the paperwork and pay the fees....then sit for a few minutes....it's 6:40pm.....holler across the field to my son to come on....get in the car and drive him to the middle school for his band concert....tell him I'll be over to pick him up at 8:00pm....drive to the high school for Becky's award night....Katie is sitting in the parking lot....she needs my credit card for gas....give her that and run into the auditorium for the program....it ends and Becky and I run over to the middle school just in time for the last 2 songs.....in a packed gymnasium that does not have air conditioning......it ends and we all load up and come home....David tells me he needs a white t-shirt for school tomorrow....so I load into the car AGAIN and drive to the store for t-shirts....I come home and walk in the door to, "What's for dinner?"......I pull the chicken out of the pot....slice it and throw it into fettucini noodles.....dinner is served......

I just now went to the bathroom......whew.........and sat on the couch and blogged.....day is done.....wait a minute.....where is my credit card and my 18 year old??????

Water, music and sky

So, as I have mentioned....I recently spent a day in a spa. As you have probably realized by now...it was incredible.

Okay....highlight of the day....I go into a giant room containing four pools. One is a relaxation pool, a giant pool of water....nothing really to look at. I am not really impressed...but I step down into the pool....the water is tepid. I lay back and begin to float....as my head goes back into the water I begin to hear music playing....spa music...relaxing string and flute music....it is crystal clear....but only audible when my ears are under the water. I relax my body and begin to float and look up....the ceiling is glass and the sky is a bright, spring-day blue....and there are giant white clouds floating quickly by. I am floating, with music playing and the only thing that I can see is the sky above me and the clouds. I literally loose myself in that moment and feel total weightlessness and truly feel that I am floating in the sky, among those clouds. It was incredible!

So, I am laying there hearing the music and floating and this is absolute perfection....no worries, no earth, nothing tethering me to this earth...just floating, free and careless.

When I first saw this pool, I would never have guessed that it would be the highlight of my day. To look at it, it was simply a pool. The secret unfolded when I laid back in the water and let myself go....the music that I couldn't hear when standing in the pool, became crystal clear when laying in it....the glass ceiling, with the sky and clouds floating by, were not visible until I laid back....the water just looked like plain pool water, chlorinated, until I got in and felt the relaxing mineral water on my body.

I wonder....do I not "see" the reality that is all around me. How many times do I think that a moment or a person are not much...because I am unwilling to let myself really see and hear and feel what is going on around me. I think the spiritual world is like this pool....we can overlook it easily....until we let ourselves go into it and be. I think God has so much more for me than I can see with my eyes or hear with my ears....

I think I need to lay back and relax in Him....and hear the beautiful music and feel the healing waters and float in His beautiful world.

Shuffle, shuffle...sigh

So, have you ever listened to the sounds of footsteps?

I spent a day in a spa recently....relaxing, being pampered, just being. It was remarkable.

I went into the room of solitude....a stone room, with a fire in the fireplace...the windows all open and a gentle breeze blowing through with big comfortable chairs.

I put on my big, soft, fluffy robe and went into that room with a book...no one else was there...I had it to myself. I sat there reading for a while....and then I put my book down and laid my head back and listened to the sounds....I heard the birds singing, I heard the wind blowing.

Then the door opened and someone quietly walked through the room. It was a gentle walk...a slow, somber, saunter. As they opened the door to leave the room, I opened my eyes and saw that it was a guest in a fluffy robe. They were content in the moment...relaxed and enjoying every minute.

I laid my head back and continued to listen....the door opened again....this time the footsteps were quick and steady....they had the sound of urgency...of needing to be somewhere....I looked up...it was a worker of the spa. They were not content in the moment...it was all about a job or a destination.

I laid my head back again. I continued to listen to the sounds of footsteps...each time knowing the easy, relaxed sound of a guest versus the urgent, need-to-be-there sound of a worker.

I sat there and wondered what my footsteps sound like to my children. Do they hear the footsteps of contentment? Of a mom that is relaxed and content to just be with them? Or do they hear the footsteps of urgency? Of a mom that is uptight and heading to a destination?

Hmmmmm......I want to slow down and savor every moment I have with them.

Camels and Eucalyptus

So, I have had a week of contrasts....

What does "contrast" mean? To set off in contrast; to compare or appraise in respect to differences.


So on Thursday I spent the morning in the Jessamine county courthouse. I waited in line for an hour and a half....to go before a judge to allow my former husband to reduce childsupport because our oldest is now 18 years old. There are no words to describe the people in this line....I'll paint a picture using contrast.....


There were many different types of t-shirts....nascar, john deer, baby-under-construction, camel cigarettes, mail pouch, "my ex-husband got the hound dog, i got this lousy t-shirt." There were not many teeth. There were many different types of cigarettes. There was only one way to smoke them....step out of line to go to the door and light up and blow the smoke out the door and step back into line....of course this made a stale aroma in the courthouse. There were many Wrangler blue jeans. There were not many shoes.


So, I wait in that line and watch and listen....realizing that these are my peers....humbling.


The very next day, I spent the day in a very nice spa.


There were many different labels of fine clothing. There were not any t-shirts. There were many perfect teeth. There were not any cigarettes. There were many expensive shoes. There were not any Wrangler jeans. There were many aromatherapy oils (eucalyptus, lavender, citrus) in the air...creating a perfect aroma of relaxation.


So, I spent the day in the spa and watched and listened....wanting these people to be my peers....humbling.

This all came to light...a visual of my week.....when I entered a room at the spa that contained a "contrast pool." A contrast pool is a set of pools. One pool is a jaccuzi containing water at a temperature of 102 degrees. The second pool is right next to the jaccuzi and it is small pool - called a plunge pool - containing water at a temperature of 63 degrees.

I got into the pool containing the warm water...when I first entered it, it seemed a little warm...but as I sat there I became totally acclimated to the temperature. I sat there enjoying the jets pushing water onto my sore back. I stayed in there for about 10 minutes....I was very comfortable.

Then I climbed out and went to the cold pool. I plunged down into the pool.....cold water hitting my body....my warm, 102 degree body....plunged into the 63 degree water....THAT IS CONTRAST!

The cold seemed very cold and the memory of the warm water seemed very warm. I understood the difference between 102 degrees and 63 degrees in a very intimate way.

I realized that my week was exactly like this contrast pool. I was in the line of smoking, toothless, t-shirt and blue jean wearing people with the aroma of stale cigarettes.....and then, "splash," I was in a spa of total relaxtion, with every sight, sound and aroma in total perfection.......I was able to understand the beauty of this day because I understood the difference in a very intimate way.

Then I thought about my spiritual life....if I were to always stay on the mountain.....would I be able to truly appreciate the mountain? Or would I become totally acclimated? Would I not understand the beauty and height and aroma of the mountain, unless I understood the darkness and depth and stench of the valley?

I know myself....without the contrast....the beauty seems dull.

Mirrors to the Soul

So, tonight I spent porch time with three very dear friends. I love porch time....I love these friends. I cherish these evenings....beautiful sunset, warm weather, laughing, crying, talking, eating and sharing life.

I think friends are mirrors to our soul....I look at my friends....and I like how I look.

Humbly Grateful and Greatly Humbled

So, today....I had a very strange day....one that has caused me to re-evaluate things in a new way....and be humbly grateful and yet greatly humbled.

Today, is exactly 16 days after my "Quick Drive to Joy," aka....my accident. Today, I attended a funeral for a student at my school, one of two, that was killed in an auto accident on US 68 this past Friday....in the EXACT same spot that I had my accident. They were driving home from Lexington in the rain, and they came to the S-curve (here is my description from my previous blog: So, I go into this double curve on Sunday during my Quick Drive Home...I go into it and I hydro-plane. I am heading straight into oncoming traffic broadside, and two cars are coming at me from the other direction).....the report says that they lost control and slid, broadside into the other lane and was hit by a delivery truck. They were killed instantly. Unlike me...they did not have time to pull it back.

So, today I attended the funeral for one of the students. When I left, my cell phone rang and the auto collision shop called to tell me that my car was finally finished and that I could go and pick it up today. I left the funeral and drove to get my car....

When I saw my car...it looked PERFECT. I mean I can not tell that it was ever damaged....every thing is as good as new....back to normal....perfect. I was so pleased.

I got in my car and drove away....it drives perfectly....as good as new.....

It hit me...how is it that I can drive away....sixteen days and everything is back to normal....good as new....no scratches undone....no broken anything....all is fixed, all is right, all is normal.

Yet today....someone said goodbye to a husband, a son, a brother, a best friend....there are no quick fixes....there are no buffing over this one....this can not be replaced....this moment is forever a part of their life.......sixteen days from now, it will still be the same for them. There are no fixes.

I cry on the way home....I cry and I pray....."Lord, why? Why save me? I'm nothing...a nobody....I will never change the world. These two men wanted to change the world....they wanted to go back to India and bring others into the Kingdom of God. I live in little old Wilmore...I'm not changing the world...I'm not even changing my state.....or my city.....or even my street. Why me?"

So, I drive home....humbly grateful and greatly humbled.

A Quick Wipe

So, I have been away all week at a work event. My children have been home following school until their dad can pick them up. So, they've had the house to themselves.

I walk into the house and it was exactly what I expected...a mess. There were dishes, cups, bowls with milk still in them, souring....their were pans on the stove with dried, hard food in them....a total disaster. That was just the kitchen...the rest of the house was more of the same.

I started with the kitchen. I spent last night trying to clean it up. As I was scrubbing the pots and pans with dried on food I thought of how easy it is to clean up a pan with fettuccine alfredo when it is fresh, not hard and dried up. Once some time passes and the food dries on it, it takes a lot of work to get it clean.

Then I thought of a friend who is going through a hard time. She is dealing with issues with her family and her past. These are wounds that were created years ago....in essence, now they are hard and dried onto the surface....it would have been so much easier to clean them up when they were still fresh. Now, it seems almost impossible...similar to dried up fettuccine alfredo.

I wonder why we don't just clean up while we go through life. I know I have issues that I have let go by without dealing with them when there were fresh? Why do we wait until things get hard, dried on and still think that a quick wipe will do it? I know a quick wipe will not clean up some of my messes...and sometimes I wonder, is it just easier to throw the pan away?

A Room with a View

So, I am a vivid dreamer...I always have been. I wake up and I am still in my dream for a moment...it takes me a minute to realize that it was only a dream and not reality...or are they my reality?

My dreams usually reflect my life...I believe that my Creator knows that I need a visual because He has created me to be a visual learner...I like to say, "Paint me a picture because I'm a little dense." So, He paints me pictures in my dreams.

Last night, He painted many pictures for me...

I dreamt that I was pregnant....yikes!.....very pregnant. I had a simple home that backed up to woods....but one day I walked out the back door and up to the line of trees....but behind that line of trees there was a vast drop off. My home sat on top of a mountain, similar in height to Pikes Peak. There was no gradual drop off, right past that line of trees, the mountain stopped and the cliff went straight down. I had never noticed the view before. I had lived there for years and thought that my view was just a bunch of trees. I had been content to live in modest home and think that was it....not realizing the view that I had.

At first I was excited....what a view I had....if I just cleared out a few of the trees, I could sit on my back porch (with a glass) and see forever.....but quickly that joy disappeared to paralyzing fear. ....here I was sitting on top of the world, with a spectacular view that I had never noticed before....but I was pregnant....due any day. How could I raise my child with this in backyard? How could I provide safety with this? Yes...it was beautiful....and yes....I could enjoy it if I were all alone...but I was about to have a baby and I could not keep this.

I am not a dream interpreter, but I think I see what God is showing me...

So, my oldest Katie is about to leave my home....my home of relative safety in Wimore....and she is about to go to college...a home that sits on top of the world and has quite a view....and I am afraid. I am paralyzed with fear....afraid for her....can I protect her there....how do I live here on top of the world and yet not live in paralyzing fear?

I remember that in my dream, if I sat on the porch and focused on the view, it was quite spectacular....but if I walked up to the ledge and looked straight down...then I found I couldn't move or breath.

See...God is working on me....and He always starts in my dreams. I need to focus on the view, not on the cliff.....Katie will have the world opened up to her....I just need to look at that....the wide open world....full of beauty!

Creating an Orbit

So, I spent the week at a work event...with many different types of people. There is this one person that I spent the week with that tends to drive me crazy.

Let me digress. What creates an orbit ? Orbits are created by the gravitational force that a planet exerts upon an object. It is directly related to mass and the planet's radius (size). That force pulls the object toward the planet and it begins to circle around that planet...creating an orbit.

Have you been around a person who has their own orbit? You know the type of person I'm talking about...they believe that they are so important (that they have such a large mass) that everything revolves around them....creating orbits around them.....and in essence creating their own universe. I hate being around those type of people. I mean HATE it. I find that I am fearful that if I get too close to them, that I will be sucked into an orbit....so I stay very far away so that the gravitational pull is low.

So this week I spent time running away from those very LARGE bodies that want many people to orbit them and I pushed myself into the space of those very small bodies that have no gravitational pull on their own....and therefore, no orbit....you are free to come and go at will. I like that.

Colonel Mustard in the Library with a Candlestick

So, I was talking to my baby sister the other day...catching up on life. She is in the midst of a divorce (not fun...I know).

We are discussing life...when suddenly she says, "Shoot, I have to get my jeans out of the dryer. Wait a minute. Wait, I have to put them on."

Ohhhhhh.....I know what's going on here....every woman in the United States knows this trick....pull your jeans out of the dryer wet and put them on your body...you can stretch those babies out two sizes.

So, she gets that done and we continue talking. I mention that my sinuses have been bothering me and I have been using my neti-pot daily. She says, "Shoot....I need to get mine out of the box. I haven't used it yet."

I am in total disbelief....I find such relief from mine so I encourage her to open her neti-pot and use it.

Then she asks me this, "Can you use a neti-pot if you have a deviated septum?"

We both begin to laugh as we picture the headlines: "Woman found dead in her bathroom, in wet jeans and a neti-pot sticking out of her nose."

We figured the mystery would be solved, "ex-husband in the bathroom with a neti-pot."

If a tree falls in the woods...

So, on February 19th I blogged about my electrical engineering professor and our time together as I revisited my alma mater...

Tonight I received sad news, beyond sad....he has passed away. He is gone.

He leaves behind two small granddaughters. His wife, their grandma, is gone. His daughter, their mom, is gone. Their dad is in jail. There was just the three of them. He was their grandfather and their caregiver. Now, he is gone.

What must they be feeling? All alone. No one. I can not imagine what those two little girls are feeling. I have always had a net of love to catch me when I fall. Who is their net of love?

Who will care for them? Who will brush their hair? Who will feed them? Who will kiss them goodnight? Who will catch them when they fall?

Tonight, I go to bed sad, sick...for two lonely girls about to face a life with no safety net.

So, if a child falls in the world and no one is there to hear them, do they make a sound?

Balls and Lavender

So, I'm sitting at home tonight....Becky and David are out jumping on the trampoline. David has a friend over, he is jumping too. Suddenly, the door swings open and someone enters amidst tears and sobs. Of course I immediately think broken bones, cracked open head, or paralyzation. I run to the door...it's David. I don't see any blood and he is walking, well limping....whew, a sigh of relief. I ask him what happened. He says, "Becky threw a ball at my balls." (sob, sob, tears, meltdown).

I go outside and have the "boy's balls" talk with my daughter. Of course she feels he deserved it. He had thrown a ball at her....I have to explain that his balls are off limits during retaliation. I tell her that no matter WHAT he does to her, she IS NOT allowed to hit him in the balls. She, being 15, comes up with several reasons why it might be appropriate to hit him in the balls...she's 15 and good at it.

I leave that fun discussion and walk to my friend's porch. She is sitting on her swing with two large plants protruding from her nostrils....turns out her son and his friend are moving into her house for the summer....she is trying to find serenity through two lavender leaves that she has stuck up her nose. She hears my conversation and breaks me off two pieces of lavender. I shove them up my nose and we swing.

I sure hope it's a bumper crop of lavender this year...I have a feeling I'm going to need it.

Cinco de Mayo - a day of loyality

So, today is Cinco de Mayo. This is such a fun day, a celebration of Mexican heritage (being loyal to your heritage) - it is not the Mexican Independence day.

I go out to lunch with two friends from work....of course we go out to a Mexican restaurant...chicken fajitas and chips and salsa....and good and loyal friends.

Tonight, I go over to a dear friend's house for another Cinco de Mayo celebration....there are three of us....good and loyal friends. We have fun.

It strikes me today....I have GREAT friends....the one, underlying quality of all my friends....they are very loyal. I like that....I need that.....

So here's to you my very loyal friends! Happy Cinco de Mayo!

A Quick Drive to Joy

So...as I stated earlier in my blog....

I have been struggling with my "journey" to joy because I am struggling with the word journey and all the baggage that is associated with it. I told a friend that I was banning the word "journey" from my vocabulary....I told her that I was going to call it "A Quick Drive to Joy."

Okay...so how is my quick drive to joy going? Well, it's been a very interesting weekend...

After the soccer tournament this past weekend....I'm driving home all alone (thankfully, David rode home with a friend)....and true to statistics....a few miles from my home I go into a curve and I don't come out. Well, I did come out....just not the way that I thought or planned.

I go into this 'S' curve...I have dubbed it "Deadman's curve" from the moment I moved here. It is a curve that daily has a new cross on the side of the rode. It is a double curve...with horse fences on both side and a chain link fence and a pond. I mean it...these curves are deadly....the horse fences are always down and there is always a new cross on the side of the rode.

So, I go into this double curve on Sunday during my Quick Drive Home...I go into it and I hydro-plane. I am heading straight into oncoming traffic broadside, and two cars are coming at me from the other direction. I pull the wheel hard to the right....the wheels catch and I am now heading right toward two horse fences. I hit something which throws me into several 360's. As I go round and round, I see a blur of horse fence, chain link fence and a pond.

Around and around I go....horse fence, chain link fence and a pond....over and over again. I am pretty certain that I am going to end up in the pond. I finally come to a stop....just short of entering the pond.

Okay....again, I have to wonder....can a "quick drive" really get you anywhere? You know, anywhere really worth going.

Is the whole journey...the slowness...the key...have I missed the whole point? Do you have to slowly process this to get to joy?

Is it impossible to do a quick drive and get to joy? Does the quick drive only lead to a pond?

So, onward I go...slowly....to joy.

Boys love monster trucks

So, I am at a soccer tournament this weekend....for 12 year old boys....how fun can this weekend get I ask you?

My son has been on this traveling team for several years now. We usually do about three tournaments each season. My son loves these weekends. Me? Well, not so much.

So the first game was this morning. It's been raining all weekend long. The fields are a sloppy, muddy, wet mess. Our boys won. So, boys being boys, the whole team runs to the middle of the field and belly slides through the muddy mess.

Are you kidding me?

I'm looking at my son and thinking, "You are NOT getting into my new car like that." He looks back at me with total pride.

So, mom wins and David has to strip down to nothing and change clothes before he gets into the car.

We now have 6 hours to kill...boys running and playing and laughing and eating and stinking....how fun can this weekend get? Boys will be boys.

So, my son brings in 3 of his friends to our room to watch the Derby. They start showing the celebrities that are attending the Derby. One of my son's friends says, "Isn't that Dolly Parton?"

My son looks up and says, "That's not Dolly Parton. Dolly has monster trucks."

I look over at him and he says, "What? She does have 2 giant monster trucks." And he makes a hand motion of giant boobs.

Monster Trucks? He's 12. Boys will be boys. Oh, this is going to be fun.

The Other Sister

So this morning, I'm laying in bed, awake but not up yet. It's only 6 am and even though I can't sleep I am very tired. Suddenly my phone rings...now I'm scared. The only people who make calls at 6 am, are people that have bad news to tell you. I answer the phone with trepidation.

It's Darlene, the other sister or aunt nut-nut. Now there is nothing mentally wrong with Darlene, the other sister...she just sees life differently than my baby sister and I. So, we have lovingly named her "the other sister" as our term of endearment.

Darlene is notorious for late night "I looooooooove you!" phone calls. You know the kind....when you've had a little too much to drink and you feel like you need to call someone and tell them that you love them.

So, it's 6 am and it's the other sister on the phone....she's nocturnal, so this early morning call has me concerned....turns out this is just a REALLY LATE "I loooooooove you" call.

The first thing out of her mouth is this, "Do you know how lucky you are to not live in Warren?" Oh yes, I know.

Then she says this, "You are never going to believe what you mother called me and said last week."

She said, "Next week either Judy or I will swing by and pick you up. You are going to lunch with us, so be ready. We are going to go to church and watch some woman DO Ruth."

Well, I might not have been completely on my game at this time in the morning....but I'm on it enough to know that this is funny. So, I begin to laugh....

Darlene then goes on to say, "Isn't this strange? To go to church and watch a woman DO Ruth."

Now you see why she is The Other Sister....and boy do I loooooooooooooove her!