Thursday, January 29, 2009

The Groanings of the Soul

The whole town is under at least a half inch of ice. It looks like we're living in a crystal palace. It is absolutely breathtaking...beautiful to behold, but boy is it causing major damage.

I have a Bradford Pear tree in my front yard. It is coated in ice. I am hoping that it will survive this storm, but I'm not certain that it can. When I walk outside, I can hear it groaning and creaking under the weight of the ice. If even one more snowflake were to fall on it, I'm certain it would split right down the middle. Even a gentle wind causes it to moan. If a big wind were to come along, I think the branches would break right off because it is so brittle. What it is crying out for is the sun....for warmth that would melt away the ice and allow the weight of that ice to gently run down the bark and into the ground, nothing harsh, just gentle warming and then the water gently running down the trunk.

I feel like that tree. My soul is groaning and creaking under the weight of the icy coating that I have let build up on my outside. If any harsh winds blow across me, I'm certain that I would break, I feel brittle.

Will the sun come quick enough, before any harsh winds or any more weight is added to it? Does anyone hear the groaning?

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Childish Joy

It has been snowing here in Kentucky for the past 3 days. On Sunday evening it began with a few flurries. My children went to bed saying, "I've got a feeling deep in my bones...it's going to be a snow day tomorrow." Sure enough, Monday at 5:30am I heard a scream, "Yesssssss.....it's a snow day." Then the Hallelujah chorus began. Of course, I still had to go to work. They stayed home and enjoyed their first snow day of the week.

That night, there was an icing...I found that I went to bed hoping, dreaming really, that maybe work might be called off. Next morning - again, screaming children, "SNOW DAY." I dialed my work number to hear we got a whole hour delay. That was a little exciting, but, not a snow day. So, off to work I go one hour later. The children find that the second day is not as blissful as the first. As a matter of fact, the second day seems a little boring. So, I get many calls at work asking me to take them to a movie or a friends or.....of course I explain that I'm at work - no snow day for me - therefore, no running with them.

That night...the icing continues. My daughter has to go to work in Lexington. I found someone heading to Lexington and she hitched a ride. Two hours later....roads are a mess....she calls and needs a ride home. Work has closed early. Fun...off I go through ice and slush. We stop and get some groceries for us and a neighbor. I drive slowly and cautiously home through ice and around large trees that are down.

I go to bed hopeful....feeling that same feeling that I had as a child when I went to bed almost certain school would be called off and I would get that beautiful thing called a SNOW DAY. The children didn't have to hope for it. Their school was called off before they went to bed....3rd snow day in a row for them.

At 5:30 am I awake and call the work number - 2 hour delay. "Are you kidding me?"

I continue to hear ice pounding on the roof....

At 6:30 am I call....2 hour delay. This is unbelievable.

At 7:30 am I call....closed for the day! SNOW DAY!!!! I'm tempted to scream and sing the Hallelujah chorus at the top of my lungs - but, unlike the kids, my idea of a perfect day - I pull the covers over my head and go back to sleep silently!

A childish joy with a grown up twist!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Joy Set Before Me

So, I'm sitting in my office at work today, when one of my dearest friends - one that is in my inner circle - comes up for a quick visit. I've really missed her. The holidays and work have kept us from being able to do our monthly sharing of life.

Anyhow, she comes in and asks what is new. So I start to tell her of my word for the 2009 year and my journey. The minute that I tell her that my word for the new year is joy...I mean the minute that I speak it, she quotes Hebrews 12:2: "Let us fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy set before him endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God."

I know this verse well, but I am intrigued...

She and I share some very deep and vulnerable moments of our lives - connecting - I've missed her. She leaves my office.

I have to read that verse again.

Fix our eyes on Jesus, who for the JOY set before him endured the cross - so I can get to joy and it can be before me.

But to get there, to joy, Jesus endured the cross. Even though I thought the word joy meant all happy and wonderful times, I see that to get there, Jesus had to endure the cross. Why should I think I'm better than Jesus?

The next statement leaves me speechless with tears streaming down my face...

Scorning its shame - Shame...Jesus knew shame! And to get to joy, He had to SCORN the shame. I look up "scorn" in Strongs. It is the greek word, kataphroneo, and it means to "think against, disesteem or despise." To get to joy Jesus had to endure the cross and thought against the shame of it.

Lord, help me think against the shame of divorce...

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Late Night Joy

Last night I got ready for bed. I was finishing up one final load of laundry - from the Mt. Everest of laundry that my children produce daily - and I was anxious to go to sleep. It's been a long month of working many hours and I could tell by the bags under my eyes, that I needed to catch up on a little sleep. It was midnight and I only had about 5 more minutes of drying and then off to bed.


At this moment, my 17 year old daughter comes down the stairs. She has been sleeping all day. It's midnight, so she's in the mood to talk.

Let me give you a glimpse into my 17 year old - she is nocturnal...always has been, always will be. When I was pregnant with her she would hardly move during the day, but the minute I laid down to sleep, suddenly she became Pele. After she was born it didn't change, sleep all day, and awake all night. It was always just she and I up through the wee hours of the night. Her laughing and cooing and me praying and asking her to please go to sleep. This past year we babysat a hedgehog, the epitome of nocturnal, for a friend. She warned me that he would be up all night running on his wheel and sleep all day. She said to bond with him you have to stay up at night, but she told me we didn't have to stay up...just let him run on his wheel. By the end of the week, he had bonded with my daughter. She loved his schedule.

Okay, back to the story...At first I tell her that I am tired and going to bed. She continues to talk. I am listening, but I'm making my way into the laundry room to fold the last of the clothes and then off to bed I go.

She then asks me this question, "Mom, do you ever feel overwhelmed with life?"

I'm not certain if she is asking me a question, or if she is processing out loud.

So I followup the question with, "What do you mean?" She says, "You know, laying awake at night worrying about your future, and all the issues of life."

"Yes," I say.

I realize that she is about to share a moment of her life with me, so I walk back into the living room and sit down next to her. I cherish these moments...the relativity of these moments is directly related to the age of the child. She's 17, these moments don't come too often now.

She proceeds to share her fears and her dreams. We have a wonderful time together, not full of laughter, but full of life. She is asking me for help in determining her future. I can not tell her what she needs to become, instead I ask her questions to lead her to speak out what brings her joy and fulfillment.

It was a beautiful time of joy! It took me back to the quietness of the wee hours of the night when she was just a baby, laying in my arms, cooing and laughing at me. Moments that she and I alone share. No one else knows of them. Moments that are fleeting....she is about to go out into life and create those moments with someone else.

What a beautiful young, nocturnal, woman she has become!

Monday, January 19, 2009

Remembering Joy

Today in church...I'm sitting in my seat. It's a missions day.

Okay.

We're singing some songs that I don't know, so I just let the music wash over me while I look to see who's in church, who's sitting with whom, who looks happy to be here, who looks like they were dragged here by their ear...people watching - one of my favorite things.

Suddenly, we begin to sing a song...I'm caught off guard. It's "Here I am Lord." I can remember the first time that I heard this song. It was 14 years ago. I was in Morgantown Alliance Church. It was our Missions Conference. We sang this song, I began to weep. It became my prayer to the Lord. At that moment, I felt the call to go into ministry.

Shortly after that, we moved here to go to seminary and began our journey into ministry. Somewhere we took a wrong turn. We got lost.

Now 14 years later, I'm divorced, a single mom with 3 children, and I'm stuck here. My journey has ended here. No ministry, no call.

Now the song has turned into, "Here I am, Lord. It can't be I Lord."

Stuck...no minstry...no call. I weep.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Pure Joy

Okay. So I can't tell you the exact meaning of joy.

But...

I can describe a moment of pure joy. It happened tonight.

My son called me. He was at his dad's house getting ready for bed. He was supposed to go there last night, but he ended up staying with me and he invited a friend over. They had a grand night laughing and giggling all night long. The beginning of pure joy. There is nothing so grand as the sound of your child laughing.

This morning after his friend left, I took my son to his dad's. I had to work all day. I had gotten my son 2 tickets to the Harlem Globe Trotter's show for a Christmas gift. Tonight was the night of the show. When he opened the gift, I told him that he could take a friend if he wanted. He said he wanted me to go. I kept trying to convince him that I didn't mind if he took a friend, but he kept insisting that I go. Three days ago he asked me this, "Mom, are you sure you wouldn't mind if I took a friend instead of you?" I replied emphatically, "I would NOT mind at all. I've seen the show several times and I want you to take a friend." So, he invited a friend.

I was the chauffeur to and from. The ride home was really fun. I got to see the show through the eyes of two twelve year olds. Pure joy.

After I dropped my son off at his dad's house and came home, he called me. He wanted to say prayers together. We used to do that EVERY night together, whether we were together or not. If I was gone, then he'd call me and we would say prayers. I miss those times. Tonight, he called and asked if we could say prayers together....pure joy! Is this how God the Father feels when we say our prayers????? I love the sound of my son's voice praying and I love his prayers.

He prays for his sisters, for me, for our dog, for his dad, for my parents, for himself and then he says this, "God, thank you for the most extraordinary day that I've ever had, and it was all because of mom."

He prayed other things as well, but can I tell you at that moment...I knew JOY!

Friday, January 16, 2009

Really, what is joy?

So, as I begin my journey to joy, I've decided that I want to know what joy is? So I'm going to start to research what I can find on joy.

A dear friend sent me these quotes:

"Joy is a net of love by which you can catch souls." (Mother Teresa)

"Joy is the holy fire that keeps our purpose warm and our intelligence aglow." (Helen Keller)

Beautiful...

Monday, January 12, 2009

Pack Up, It's Going to be a Long Journey

So, my fur-ball dog with his shitty butt has given me a visual of what my life looks like...I have not been content to let God clean up the mess. No, I have stayed out in the yard, sure that I could clean up my own mess, and smearing the poop all over my furry butt.

Now, let me tell you what happens next with my fur-ball dog. I go to the door and I see him out there scrunching his butt all over the yard. I feel sorry for the little guy because I know that no matter how long he stays out there and no matter how far he drags his butt across the yard, he is never going to get the poop out of his fur without my help. So, I open the door and call him to come inside. He looks at me, puts his head down, lowers his tail to try to cover the mess and then proceeds to run into the house as quickly as possible. He is hoping I will not see the mess. So I stop him on his way in and say, "Hey, come here, we have to clean your furry butt up." He walks toward me, head down, tail down, and he slowly makes his way to me. He has been working and working to get himself cleaned up, but the more he works, the messier it gets. Once he comes to me, I can, within minutes clean him up.

So, have I been out in the grass, working and working to clean up my mess and has God patiently been waiting for me to come to Him for help? Should I try to quickly run past the clean up process? Am I content to stay dirty, head down, tail down, trying to cover my shame?

Or...

Am I ready to come to God for a time of clean up? A time of trimming? Am I ready to admit that I've made a mess out of my life? Is the clean up time part of the journey? Or do I have to get cleaned up first and then begin the journey?

I think it might be part of the journey....therefore, I better pack a BIG bag...it's going to be a long one.

What does the Journey to Joy look like?

What does the journey to joy look like?

Is it one giant step to joy?

Do you just wake up one morning and announce that this is your year of Joy and then every moment from then on is joyful?

Is it just mind over matter?

What if your life is a mess? What if you have been wading in crap for years? Do you just wake up one morning and wipe the crap off and go on?

Let me give you a visual. I have a fur-ball of a dog, a little guy, one big ball of fur. When his belly gets upset and he gets diarrhea, then his furry butt gets covered in crap. He can feel it stuck to his butt and he ends up scrunching his butt all over the yard trying to get the crap off. Guess what.....it doesn't work. Instead he comes into the house with poop all over his butt, smeared all throughout his fur. He has made a royal mess with his attempt to clean up the crap.

I think I have done that....scrunched my butt all over the grass for years and now, my butt is covered in poop and it's smeared in all my fur.

So what do I do to my dog when that happens to him? I get the diaper wipes out and gently wash his butt. I sometimes have to trim some fur off his butt. It's less painful than trying to pull the poop out of his fur. Also, it helps to keep the poop from sticking the next time he goes out.

Does God look at me and see me scrunching my butt all over the place trying to get the poop off me? Does God wonder why I insist on making such a mess instead of letting Him gently clean my life and trim the mess?

This journey seems like it could be a lot more complicated and longer than I had thought.

Sunday, January 11, 2009

A Meltdown to Joy?

Friday morning...minding my own business...working. I have to wash and return some dishes and plates to my friends and coworkers who have brought goodies to Phonathon. I run the dishes across campus, say "hi and thank you." Turn to leave and I hear, "Close the door." My friend asks me to sit for a minute and we discuss my shitty week. My friend is trying to convince me that I need to deal with all the crap in my life so that I can be healed and be healthy for my kids. I am trying to convince her that I can laugh my way through life - on the outside - and at the same time, I can be crying on the inside - and all will be well. The kids and I will laugh our way through life. She doesn't seem to believe me. I ramble on and on with tears talking about this current crap, somehow family crap comes up and I'm rambling on about a conversation between my sister (who is wading in divorce crap right now) and myself concerning my mom. I have no idea how I got to this discussion, but okay. At this point, my friend gets a, well, it's a funny look - no that's not how I would describe it....it's a gleam, a twinkle in her eye and a slight smirk on her lips and she says, "So your mom has crap in her life, but has laughed her way through." OOOOOOHHHHHHHH....I may be dense but I see what she's implying. Unless I wade through the crap to healing and health - my children will be having the same conversation about me some years later.

Grrrrrrrr.....

Saturday, January 10, 2009

A Glimpse, very small, of Joy

I awoke on Thursday morning - same as always - alarm going off to the song Light of the Stable (I love Christmas music). I lay there a minute listening to the song.

Hail, hail to the newborn king
Let our voices sing him our praises
Hail, hail to the guiding light
That brought us tonight to our saviour

Ale, alleluia, alle, alleluia
Ale, alleluia, alle, alleluia

Come now, there it shines so bright
To the knowing light of the stable
Lean close to the child so dear
Cast aside your fear and be thankful

I stumble out of bed, eyes still closed...do the whole morning thing. Twenty minutes later I go downstairs to get the children out the door. I open the blinds in the kitchen and my breath is taken away. I see the most beautiful sunrise that I have seen in a long time! It wasn't just the color, although the colors were spectacular - beautiful blue and orange and pink and red - there was more. There were beautiful swirly clouds through out it. This gave it texture, the clouds catching the colors and turning them into different shades. It was rich and luxurious. I didn't just want to look at it, I wanted to TOUCH it.

PURE JOY!

On Wednesday night when I closed the blinds and went to bed, I saw only total darkness. To think that our Creator painted this beautiful sunrise this morning to show me that He is in control and He is creative and He loves beauty! That even though there was darkness...a little time later and.....this. And even though there were clouds, they were not able to block the beauty of the morning, they actually enhanced the beauty - making it more...more....spectacular. I sit and look at it for a few minutes. Then I mumble this, "God, please take my messy, dark life and paint the future as beautiful as this."

Is that possible? Is it possible that the clouds of my life can enhance the painting?

A glimpse of JOY.

Seriously - Joy?

So I'm on the phones again on Wednesday night. I call an alum and we have a very nice conversation about him and his family and their time in Wilmore. Then he asks, "So, you are a student, what year are you in?" I say, "No sir, I am not a student. I would like to be, but my children are still a little young, but soon, I hope to be a student." He asks, "So how are you affiliated with the seminary?" I say, "Actually I oversee Phonathon and that is why I'm on the phone. I like to stay connected and be one of my callers." He then says, "So you're a LIFER?"

A "lifer?"

Isn't that what they call people who are sentenced to life in jail?

Yes....that is what it feels like. I am a prisoner of Wilmore. I am a LIFER.

How do I get to joy? Can there be joy in Wilmore? Can you have joy if you are a lifer?

Cotinuing My Journey to Joy

So my word is JOY.

I'm happy, but I have a bit of apprehension. Why? Because I know that JOY is too good to be true!

This was Tuesday afternoon....

Tuesday night I am working the phones. My pastor's wife, the same pastor who started this whole 'word' thing, gives a devotion at work. It's a GREAT devotion - all about what prayer really is. How prayer is not about US (aka me) but is instead just us asking the Holy Spirit to take this person that we are praying for to Jesus. At this point, Jesus - the High Priest - takes us to the Father....but the Holy Spirit and Jesus are interceding for us. Okay, bottom line - or BOOM, HERE IT IS - it's not about me - it's all about the triune God....the Trinity, it has nothing to do with me.

So I begin to make phone calls. I prayed and asked the Holy Spirit to bring up the right person for me to call....up popped a name from here in my hometown. Fine - I didn't know the name but saw that he lived here. So I ask the Holy Spirit to guide my conversation - and I specifically prayed this, "It's not about me." I dial the number and a man answers. I idenitify myself with, "Hi, this is Tammy calling. We are calling our alum this year to see if there are any prayer needs or concerns that we can join you in praying for this coming year." At this point he says, "No, I think we're good. I know who you are, I used to work with Bob." My mind begins to go, Bob Smith, Bob Jones...and any other Bobs that work here. I can't begin to imagine how he knows me....during this long pause, he finally adds, "At the college."

OHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

It hits me now. He used to work with my ex-husband.....he knows me through my ex. Which means he knows me through all the stories that surrounded my divorce. I am certain at this point the air was SUCKED out of the room and I sat there gasping for breath and not knowing what to say. My mind raced through what this man must be thinking right now. I finally managed to stammer, "Oh, I'm sorry. I was trying to figure out what Bob you were talking about, you mean my ex-husband, Bob." He said, "Yes." I then stammer, "Oh,....wow......I wasn't expecting to connect with someone that knew me, especially that knew me through my divorce. I'm sorry. It took me back a little."

Are you kidding me?????? That is the beginning of my journey to joy!

Friday, January 9, 2009

A Journey to Joy

Where does the path to joy begin?

For me it began as a prayer. In December 2008, my pastor encouraged each of us to pray for our word for 2009. He shared how he prays for a word at the end of a year and how that word becomes the lense that he views everything through throughout the coming year.

"Okay." I thought, "I can do this. How hard is this?" So, I began to pray. And the word that came to me seemed too good to proclaim. So, being the eternal pessimist I decided to ask my friends on Facebook what their "word" for me would be for the upcoming year - you do know that Facebook friends are way more reliable than the ETERNAL CREATOR OF THE UNIVERSE. I did this instead of trusting the "word" that came through prayer - does anyone out there identify with this?

So, on December 31, 2008 I post on Facebook this - "Tammy is thinking of my word for the new year."

I begin to get suggestions....wonderful words but not the word that came to me. I still don't feel confident to proclaim my word, so I start to take one of the "words" that was suggested to me. I'm feeling like this new word - grace - will be my word. BUT something deep within me says, "That is not your word."

So I pray, or rather, stammer out this prayer, "Okay Lord, this word that I'm feeling seems VERY selfish, so I think I'm going to go with 'Grace.' If you want me to claim the word that came to me, can you verify it?"

That prayer was stammered out on Monday.....on Tuesday I'm in my office and I get a phone call from a friend from Facebook. He says, "What's your word for 2009?" I laugh and say, "Well, ummmmmm.....I think it might be 'Grace'." He chuckles and says, "That's a good word, but that's not your word. What's your word?" I actually look around my office to see if there is a webcam in there - how would he know to ask that? I evade the question and say, "Grace is a good word." He says, "Yes it is. But is it your word?" I stammer, I studder, I consider making a joke and getting him off subject, but instead I am surprised to hear these words come out of my mouth, "Actually, I've had a word, but it seems too good to be true - too selfish. So I think I'm going with 'grace.'" He says, "What's your word?" I say, "I can't, it's not right. It's too good." Then I tell him that I have instead asked the Lord to verify this word that I have in my soul. "IF IT IS REALLY FROM GOD, PROVE IT."

So my Facebook friend says, "Tammy, I've been praying for you since I read your Facebook status. I've been asking God to give you His word. Do you want to know the word that I think He is giving you?" Then he says, "Step out and claim your word." What is it?" Before I can stop myself I say, "Joy."

My Facebook friend says, "That is the word that I heard for you. I have really been praying, and I was afraid to tell you because I thought that it would hurt your feelings. I'm sorry, I don't mean to imply that you don't have joy, but that is the word I keep hearing."

IS HE KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!

I say, "That is the word that was DEEP in my soul, but it seemed TOO GOOD. So, I didn't claim it. I actually fought it. It seems selfish, like I'm asking God to give me JOY in 2009. So, I prayed and asked God to confirm it, and then you called. You are my answer to prayer......MY WORD IS JOY!!!"

That began my "JOURNEY TO JOY." I can't wait to see where this ride takes me.

My Facebook status on January 6th is this,
"Tammy is
claiming her word....yes, it is a great word! The word is JOY!"

Come along on my journey!


a new day

am i really 45, with a computer science degree and just now learning to blog? where did the time go?