Waddle, waddle

So, today I spent about 4 hours in the waiting room of an OB/GYN....I've got lots of material for the next few days.

First off, can I just ask this: "Why oh why do we have to have the OB and the GYN doctor combined?" Seriously, these young pregnant women sure as heck don't want to see me.....what they will look like some 20 years from now.

But for us 40 somethings....well, it was a fun day.

One of the highlights came when a very pregnant 20 something dropped her pen....I sat there and watched as she tried to bend over and maneuver around belly to get that pen. It took her a good six tries to finally grab that pen. Fun times.

I enjoyed people watching. There was the couple who walked into the waiting room with a newborn baby (I'd guess 6 weeks old) in tow. They both had that "we have a newborn in the house" look. You know, the running on no sleep, having no idea what to do with this screaming, eating, pooping little creature. The young mom looked totally weary....you know, that "crazy no sleep" look. The dad had that "not much sleep and no sex" look about him. I could tell he was anxious for his wife to get the 6 week followup appointment over and hear these words, "It's safe to have sex again." I could tell his wife had the "it might be 6 weeks, but there is no way in _ _ _ _ I am giving him sex" look. As a matter of fact, as they sat there waiting, he was fidgeting and anxious....he wanted to get back to the doctor as soon as possible.....she sat there, dead-dog tired, big bags under her eyes, breast feeding the baby....trying to burp her....and she just stared at her husband....that crazy-no-sleep look. I am going to watch the 11 o'clock news tonight to see if the doctor said yes or no to 6 week sex....I figure if the doctor said yes, I will see a homicide due to insanity on the news tonight.

I'll give some more highlights later.

Hillbilly heaven

So, today I had to run into Kroger quickly to get a cookie-cake for work tonight. I was on my lunch hour and in a bit of a hurry.

Note to self....never think that you can run into Kroger quickly for anything in the middle of the day when you live in Hillbilly Heaven.

So, I am flying into the Kroger parking lot when alas, I have to slam on the break for a very large, old, dilapidated Town Car who decides to pull in front of me and SLOWLY make his way through the parking lot. Grrrrr........me and my Honda are tight on his rear-end.

Slowly......oil-burning Town Car putt-putt-putt looking for a parking spot.....as soon as I get to a row, I make a hard left and Town Car continues closer to the entrance. I go about 6 spots down the row and park. I quickly get out of the car and rapidly walk to the entrance. As I get close to the entrance....there is the dang Town Car pulling up in front of the store, in the fire lane, and parking.

"Are you kidding me," I think to myself.

Then the best part of my day happens.....the lady in the Town Car opens her door as I am approaching and gets out and steps right in front of me....a move that is very similar to the one she just made with her car. "Nice," I think. Then she spreads out between the flowers that line the entrance to Kroger so that I can not get around her.

I am in a mood now.....

Then, as if this hasn't been fun enough.......she proceeds to shuffle slowly toward the door (blocking me) and begins to dig her underwear out of her butt-crack....

Yes, you read that right....now I'm tight on her rear-end, only this time, it just gives me a front row seat to a wedgy pick!

Trip, trap, trip, trap

So, last night I had a dream, a nightmare really. I dreamed that a very mean, ominous-looking billy goat was coming at me with very demon-like eyes. He was trying to headbutt me. My loud screams awoke me.

Okay, so what does this dream mean.

Hmmmmm.....a billy goat, a white billy goat with big horns. That could be so many things...like an authority figure, you know, a big, white figure of authority..... or maybe an institution, you know, with big, long horns.

Why is it trying to headbutt me? That could be to push me down the "hill," or maybe it was to cause a brain injury and establish intellectual superiority that would otherwise be impossible....

Just some ideas.......

Bestest friends in the male world

So, I happen to have a male dog named Graham. My neighbor has a male dog named Benny. Graham and Benny are bestest friends.

I have to say, I am fascinated watching these two guys relate. I think it is a microcosm of my world. One of the things, out of many, that I have noticed is this: when Graham lifts his leg and goes, then Benny has to come and go in the same exact spot....to which Graham has to go again in that spot....and so it continues until one of them runs out of liquid.

Hmmmmm.........

Was that fried shrimp or grilled shrimp?

So, I was away on a work trip for five days. My parents came down and watched my children for me while I was gone. When I got home, we all got in the car to go out to eat. Mom and dad began a debate on some insignificant thing, like did they have fried shrimp or grilled shrimp at that restaurant 5 years ago.

Anyhow, from the back seat Becky says, "I now know what the saying, 'They bicker like an old married couple.' means." I begin to laugh. Mema says, "What does that mean? We don't bicker." Papa says, "Now Mary, you bicker all the time." Mema says, "No I don't...."

And so it continues!

So I wonder what that sign looks like?

I have lived in deer country throughout different times of my life; Ohio, Pennsylvania and West Virginia. So I know what this sign means. It means to carefully drive the roads at night, always watching for those deer along the side of the road. Always looking for those deer that stand right in the edge of the woods waiting to play "Frogger" with the oncoming cars. I am certain it is a rite of passage for deer...to become the big buck.

I now live in Kentucky...and I think I have had 3 deer run across the road in the 13 years that I have lived here. So, my skills at watching for those deer that suddenly jump out in front of you are a little rusty.

Tonight, I had to run down to work...it's about a 2 minute commute through the streets of Wilmore. I am driving along and suddenly two crazy kids on bikes dart out in front of me. I swerve out into the other lane and go around them.....heart thumping. I get to the stop sign and turn left. I begin to accelarate when suddenly a man and his son, both wearing all black, dart out in front of me to catch a basketball that they were playing with....again, slam on breaks, swerve into the other lane.....heart pounding. I am now driving through downtown Wilmore, a sleepy little town, and suddenly a young boy, all in black, walking his dog, who thankfully was white, decides to dart out across the road.....same story.

I begin to laugh....in Kentucky, we don't have crazy deer that dart out in front of you at night....oh no. In Kentucky, we have crazy hillbillies that wear all black clothing who dart out in front of you at night! It must be their rite of passage here....to go from hillbilly to redneck.

Head and heart

So, today I took my son to the doctor. I heard THE MOST INCREDIBLE NEWS while there. I can honestly say, I almost started to cry. I was overjoyed.

The good news was not that David has Swine Flu, which he does, and we did hear that while there, but that is not the INCREDIBLE news.

The INCREDIBLE news is this: scientist have found that 2 servings of alcohol taken daily is good for your heart, AND now they have found that it will also lower your risk of Alzheimer disease. Yes, you read that right....now there are 2 good medical reasons to drink.

I think the new motto should be, "wine - where head and heart go hand in hand to health."

Death or life?

So, today is my mom's birthday. How old is she? Well, I don't want to admit it, and I don't want to say it out-loud, but she is 77 years old today.

She and my dad are coming down to watch my children for me in two days, so I didn't mail her birthday card, I decided to give it to her in person when she arrives.

I called her this morning to wish her a "happy birthday!" I wasn't able to reach her until after church. When she finally answered, we sang, "happy birthday" to her. Then I spoke to her for a while, and handed the phone to Becky to talk to her.

At this point, Becky hears something that I have known for a long time.....my mom's birthday is not a day that she likes to celebrate. Why? Well, as Becky heard today from mema, "I am 77 years old today, but 44 years ago today, I buried my dad."

Becky hung up the phone and was distraught. She then said, "Mom, did you know that mema's dad was buried on her birthday?" I told her that I did know that, and I knew that was the reason that mema preferred to forget her birthday.

Then I told her this...."I am so grateful that I am 45 years old, and that I get to celebrate my mom's birthday, and I am so thankful that you are 15 years old and get to celebrate your grandma's birthday."

I have always ached for my mom....I can't imagine burying a parent on your birthday.

Thank you Lord for today....for being able to celebrate the day that my mom was born....a day that has been tainted for her because of the death of her father....but a day that is honored for me....because of the birth of my mother.

Monster truck crash in church

So, remember my "Monster Trucks" post several months ago....for those that don't, let me remind you. My 12-year old son calls large breasts, "Monster Trucks."

Okay, today I am sitting in church next to a friend, Mary. My children, Becky and David, finally come into the sanctuary. Mary steps out of the pew to let them in, and I just decide to scoot down and let them sit next to her. Becky looks at me and says, "Trade places? Don't you want to sit next to your friend?" I say sure, and I begin to try to scoot behind them....I am bumping and squeezing between them and the chairs....finally, I get back to my original seat.

We do some praise and worship and then the pastor gets up and says that the question for meet-and-greet is, "When was the last time that you saw an accident."

Becky turns to me and says, "There was a massive monster truck wreck just minutes ago here in this pew."

Lady, where's my spy camera?

So, I am a secret Simpson's fan. I haven't watched it in years, but I used to watch it all the time. There was one episode that I remember that was one of my favorites. Bart had ordered a mail-order "Spy camera" from a magazine, and every day after sending his order in the mail, he would greet the mail-woman at the door and say this, "Lady, where's my spy camera?"

Okay, I happen to have a few obsessive compulsive people in my life...I think that might be why I loved this episode.

So my oldest daughter, Katie, is at college. I miss her. I miss the sound of her voice (she communicates with me via texting)....I miss how she looks. Well, I was wandering around on Geneva's website and found that they have 2 webcams...I found this right before I took her to college. Okay, so here I am....I am missing her and I find that daily I meet the mail-woman at the door and look at my "spy camera"....in other words, I'm on the Geneva website daily, trying to catch one little glimpse of my girl.

I guess now I know why I have obessive compulsive people in my life.....we attract each other.

Big life....small room

So, my oldest, Katie, is at college now. Yes I know, it's hard to believe that someone who looks so young could possibly have a child in college....humor me please....I'm teetering on the edge.

Anyhow, so she is away at school. I was talking with a friend about it and she said, "Our children have to be let go....and their life inflates like a life preserver."

I have been mulling over that statement. I like that statement. I picture one of those inflatable life rafts....those rafts that have a pull cord. You pull it and the flat, small raft begins to fill with air....expanding into a very large raft, filling a room (if you are crazy enough to pull the cord in a room).

That is my Katie....as she has grown up, her life has been expanding.....but to reach her fullness....she had to be let go.....moved out of that small room and into the world so that she had room to expand. She is away at college now....expanding.

Here's the funny thing that I have noticed....now that Katie has moved out of the house....it has made more room for Becky to begin to expand. She is beginning to fill that space. I've always enjoyed being with Becky, but I never realized how extremely funny she is.

Yes....our children do need room to expand.....and as we give them room and move them out of the house....it makes room for the next child.