Wasn't Me...

So, I go to work today...it's Friday, my favorite day of the week! I work through several projects this morning...it's lunch time! Yes!

Sidenote: today the kids of Jessamine County Kentucky did not have school. Why, you ask. Because it was a religious holiday here in Kentucky. What is this holiday...well, the official religion of the state of Kentucky is basketball...and our high school made it to the Sweet 16 tournament, so of course our kids didn't have school for religious reasons....basketball tournament.

Anyhow...I come home for lunch time and the kids have been home all morning...walk in the front door of my house and the smell of raw, stinky poop hits me in the face...I almost vomit...someone (katie) clogged the toilet last night and someone (becky) proceeded to poop in the toilet in the middle of the night.....no one plunges it because, "I didn't clog it," and, "I didn't poop in it after the clogging...." so mom is vomiting and unclogging the toilet....then I walk into the kitchen and the garbage is piled taller than me in our little 2.5 foot tall garbage can....garbage is spilling out onto the floor - close counts, right? and dishes are piled all over the counters...in the sink.....etc. I take out the garbage, load the dishwasher and...get in my car and drive...

Where did I drive to? Back to work? Yeah, right...nope....I drive out through the beautiful horse country of Kentucky...I had the roads to myself because all the crazy Kentuckians were in "church" for the religious holiday....I saw little thoroughbred colts kicking up their heels...I saw little black calves stumbling to find mommy...I saw lots of tulips and flowers...I cranked my music, opened my sunroof and blew the stink of the poopy toilet off of me....when I felt the stink lift....I drove back to work...

Message Received!

So, I'm at our prayer time at work today...we start every work day in prayer...it usually takes about 20 minutes to get the requests out there....share life a little....laugh a little....

Our sharing time ends and it is time to pray.

My co-worker begins to pray...he prays, and prays and then he gets near the end...starting to wrap it up and suddenly...a voice, loud and clear says, "Message received!"

I bust out laughing....why? Because even though it is only my cell phone saying that I have just received a text message from my daughter telling me she needs to stay after school for play practice...I am amazed at what perfect timing and what a perfect message it is to follow a prayer!

I wish that every one of my prayers would finish with that voice, loud and clear saying...MESSAGE RECEIVED!

Wouldn't that be something?

After the "Amen," (which means, "we all agree or let it be so," it is a word that is used to express assent), wouldn't it be GREAT to get a word back that confirms the assent! A confirmation of delivery! Of course I know that God hears my prayers, I know that in my head...but sometimes my heart tells me that my prayers are bouncing off the ceiling...

I think I might start ending all my prayers with, "Message received!"

Put Down the Phone

So, my oldest, Katie, is about to take a giant step that will set the trajectory of her life...big stuff. I'm worried sick and have been praying that the Lord would lead her to the right college where she will find the right friends and possibly her soulmate and she will get the right degree which will lead her to the right job....not much!

So this morning I am at work and Katie runs through my mind...so I begin to pray for her, specifically for this next step. It dawns on me that we haven't heard from Geneva yet...so I pull up the Geneva website and get the phone number to call...at this point I clearly hear, "Put down the phone. Katie will find out she has been accept to Geneva today...with free tuition."

I think, "Yeah, right...I need to see what is the hold up and where we are in the application process."

I hear again, "Let Katie get the information. She will get it today."

So, I put down the phone and go back to work.

It's 4:10pm, the phone rings...it's Katie.....she is almost screaming into the phone...

"Mom, I got a letter from Geneva, I've been accepted."

I am amazed! She is so excited....she got the tuition exchange!

Thank you Lord! Thank you for stopping me and allowing my daughter Katie to get that message! It is the first step to adulthood!

My Son Loves this

So when, as a mom, do you stop getting that, "Oh my gosh, where is my child" feeling when your child is a little late? You know that feeling, don't you?

This morning my son comes into church and sits down beside me...then he leans over and says, "Mom, I have to go to the bathroom." So, off he goes.

I am sitting in church...enjoying the worship...singing...singing...looking back to see where David is...singing...singing...singing....looking back to see where David is...singing....singing...singing...okay...it has been five minutes now since David left...he'll be coming back soon. We continue singing...greeting...offering...more singing...it has been ten minutes now since David left...so, I'm thinking that he must be lingering out in the narthex...slowly returning to miss more of church...we keep singing...we've prayed...now it is time for the Scripture reading...it's been 20 minutes since David left..this is when the feeling hits me.

What if some child molester just wandered into my church during the service and took my son...I've been sitting here for 20 minutes and David could be in a 1970's van with shag carpeting and down the highway by now...I begin to panic...I can't catch my breath...I want to vomit...I run out of the sanctuary and into the narthex. I don't see David. I grab an unknown man and ask him if he'll go into the men's bathroom and see if there is a David in there. He does...he comes out with a smile and says, "He'll be right out." I breath again.

David comes out with a funny look on his face..."Mommmmm.....why did you send that man into the bathroom, I was pooping?"

Ohhhhhhhhh......you know how much we all love company during that time!

So when will this feeling leave? Does it ever?

What does a year hold?

So, what does a year hold? You never know...

Today, March 5th....one year ago today my little sister's bestest friend in the whole wide world turned 40...my sister LOVES her...and therefore I LOVE her...why? Because she loves my sister very well.

One year ago there was my sister's bestest friend in the whole wide world, whom I love, and her husband, just the two love birds...she was an exercise freak...i mean serious exercise...she ran outside...she ran inside...she ran and ran and ran every minute of the day and night...her ass was rock hard...she had a six pack...(I hated her.)

I am 5 years older than she is....I'm sure she looked at me and thought, "What a fat freak! Her ass is huge...her giant tits would drag on the ground if her big fat 6-pack gut didn't hold them up...." She was right.

Okay...so, here we are one year later....I'm still a fat freak...big ass...tits dragging...but....

Today, my sister's bestest friend in the whole wide world, whom I love, turned 41...she still has her husband and now has two children...her ass is still rock hard and she still has a six pack (i still hate her)....but word on the street is that she is starting to maybe cut back on the running....why? Because she just can't find those 8 hours to run any more....she still grabs time whenever she can....but now instead of 8 hours...it's 4 hours....that's how it starts....

So here is my warning to my sister's bestest friend in the whole wide world, whom I love...be very careful...it's a slippery slope. It starts this way...instead of 8 hours, it is 4 hours....and then instead of 4 hours, it is 2 hours....and then instead of 2 hours, it is 1 hour....and then instead of 1 hour, it is 30 minutes...and then instead of 30 minutes, well, you cut your crapping time short so you can run and get on the treadmill before a kid finds you...and then, well, then you think that at least if you get your crapping time in...well...that is exerting energy and burning calories...and then...well...you get to where you think about getting on the treadmill while you are crapping...and you feel really good that at least you thought about exercising today....

So dearest, bestest friend, who loves my sister very well and whom I love, have a very happy birthday...and enjoy those minutes on the treadmill...because before you know it...you are stepping on your own titties and wondering where that sharp pain is coming from! Happy birthday girl!

Getting Older

So what does getting older mean?

For me it means this....I go to the dentist office. I sit my fat ass in the chair. The dental assistant, who looks about the same age as my daughter, welcomes me with a perky smile and proceeds to adjust the dental chair...the chair comes to an abrupt stop...the perky dental assistant comes out from behind the chair and goes over to the wall...she removes a large cover from the wall and starts to play with some wires back there...I say, "What's going on?"

She then says this, "The chair blew a fuse."

Seriously, my fat ass and the lifting thereof, blew a fuse in a dental chair? Are you kidding me?

So, the perky 17 year old dental assistant fixes the dang fuse and the chair is able to move my fat ass into the proper position...so, I am laying there, getting my teeth cleaned. The perky 17 year old dental assistant then says this, "How often do you floss?"

I say, "Twice a day, I'm pretty anal about my teeth."

She says, "Hmmmmmmm....."

I say, "What does hmmmmmm mean?"

She says, "Well, I'm sure you've notice your receding gum line....maybe you need to lighten up on the flossing and brushing....a person your age should be really gentle."

Is she serious?

When did I become 'a person my age?'

So, my fat ass blew a fuse in the chair and my gums are receding....and it's all because I'm a 'person my age?'

I hate this getting older stuff......

Only in Kentucky!

So, I'm sitting in the living room reading the paper while my kids work on their homework (aka....play on facebook).

Suddenly, I begin to laugh...a deep, from the pit of my soul, laugh. Katie says, "Mom, what could be so funny in the newspaper."

I reply, "Well, most newspapers are not that funny, but a Kentucky newspaper is always entertaining."

Katie says, "Okay, read the story to us."

Headline: Nipple-touching animal officer guilty.

All of my children begin to laugh...yes they all have my sick sense of humor.

We all begin to verbalize what we are visualizing in our minds...some officer touching the nipples of a cow or a dog....

Katie says, "Read on."

Former Bourbon County animal control officer Floyde M. Campbell of Millersburg has pleaded guilty to second-degree official misconduct. Campbell was arrested in September after a woman accused him of grabbing her nipple when he returned to her home after taking her dog. Other charges were dismissed against Campbell, whose sentence was probated for one year. He resigned his position a week after he was charged.

As I finish reading we all begin to laugh again.

Okay...here is what I want to know. So this officer stole the lady's dog and then comes back and hands her the dog and quickly grabs her nipple??? Seriously? How do you go from, "Here is your dog?" to "Let me have a quick grab of nipple?"

I don't know about you, but if anyone comes to my door with a dog in his hands, I'll be guarding my nipples!

Only in Kentucky!