I yam what I yam

So, it's the end of 2o09....as I reflect back on my year, I see growth (I'm not talking about my waistline here...but it grew too)....but it's a very different kind of growth than my previous years.

I have spent my life trying to be like other people....trying to become more like ___ (fill in the blank). This past year something different has happened....I'm not trying to be anyone but me. I am now comfortable with who I am....but I want to continue to grow to be a better ME.

I think that comes with age....but I am so thankful for this time in my life....when I don't have to strive to be anyone but who I was created to be.

Behind the walls

So, the other night I watched a show on the Hapsburg Empire of Vienna. The Hapsburg family ruled Vienna for over 600 years.

They believed that God created two types of people, those who were born to rule, which just happened to be the Hapsburg family (good news for them)....and those whom God created to be ruled and to serve, which just happened to be everyone else.

The Hapsburg's had two very large palaces, their summer and their winter homes. These palaces were extravagant....with silver and gold table settings, and the best jewels of the continent.

The walls of these palaces were built wide enough to hide the servants' corridors. The staff would literally walk between the walls....traveling from room to room to serve.

The fireplaces within the palaces were not your typical fireplaces. Instead they were large ornate ceramic decorations within each room. The fireplaces did not open into the rooms, instead the ceramic conducted the heat from the fire that was built by the servants behind the wall out into the room, allowing the fireplaces to be large pieces of art within each room. The servants spent their time walking between the walls, building fires.

Sometimes as a woman, I feel like some of the world believes that I was created to be ruled and to serve.....and sometimes as a woman, I feel like I live and work between the walls....totally unseen and yet always there....serving...building fires.

Houston, we have a problem

So, here is sentence that no mother wants to have her 18 year old daughter, who is away at college, start a phone conversation....."Mom, we have a problem." My Katie calls me last night from college....it's finals week there and I knew she had a big one in Chemistry, her major, yesterday. I say, "Hey kiddo." And she replies with that spine tingling statement, "Mom, we have a problem," and her voice is a little shaky.

My heart stops....several scenarios run through my mind, she's flunked her Chemistry final, or she's flunking out of college altogether, or she's pregnant, or......fill in any extreme blank.

I am not breathing....but I manage to stammer out, "Okay, what is it?" I am bracing myself...trying to come up with calm and loving responses to any of the scenarios playing through my mind.

"Mom, I look like Elvira. I tried to color my hair dark brown and it came out jet black."

Well, this is one scenario that I did not take into consideration, and therefore, I didn't have a kind and loving response ready for it....so I begin to laugh....I mean really laugh and I say, "Well, mistress of the night, it's going to be a fun Christmas with you and the grandparents."

It's time to flush

So, one of my co-workers got a Betta fish a few weeks ago. She put in it a small vase with a few rocks in the bottom. Every day, this fish sat there in the vase, same position, hardly moving....same thing day in and day out. Then my co-worker went away for a couple of days and asked us to keep an eye on him. The next day....there he was at the top of the vase. We all thought it was time to flush him....we approached the vase and he moved. Then it was back to the same old position, hardly moving.....

My co-worker came back to work with a big aquarium, and plants to put in it, and toys and rocks....she filled it up with water and put the fish in it. I wish you could see him now....he is always swimming about, his little fins always fluttering.....you just never know where he will be. I would swear he is smiling at us.

Anyhow....it got me thinking.....have I let my "environment" become a little vase with a couple rocks on the bottom? You know, nothing new...very small.....nothing to explore....nothing to learn.....just sitting there in the same position day in and day out. I honestly think the fish was suicidal in that vase....I think he was faking his death and hoping someone would flush him.....at least it would be a change of scenery.

So, do I just need to get flushed?

The year of the goat

So, here I am at the end of my year of joy....no, this year is not listed on the place mats at the cheap, all-you-can-eat, Chinese buffet.

There were many things that I have learned this year.

First I realized how much I hate the word 'journey.' I just wanted to arrive at joy....you know, someone telling me how to get there...."take a left past the BP station and it is there on the left." But I found that I could not just hurry up and drive to arrive...

Side note....last night my 16 year old daughter, Becky, was learning to drive in the dark down the curviest, narrowest road around, Short Shun. It was just a little before 6 pm and we were coming from Nicholasville to Wilmore. We had just started down Short Shun and suddenly there was a car hard on our tail. I mean that it was so close that I could not see the headlights on it. Becky says, "Wow. This car is following me closely." The car begins to flash its headlights at us. Becky asks, "Can I slow down please?" I say, "Sure." The speed limit is 35 mph. She had been doing 30 mph, now she slows down to 25 mph. I smile. The obnoxious car begins to beep at us. Becky slows down to 20 mph. The car then begins to flash lights, beep and ride a little closer on our tail. This person finally passes us illegally and flies up the road. It turns out they were heading to church.

So, back to my journey to joy....that was the visual of me at the beginning of the year. Driving like a crazy person.....flashing my headlights and beeping my horn.....in a hurry to arrive at joy. I was like that driver, I did not realize that my journey is part of the whole process. See, when that a-hole pulled into the church...he totally lost his credibility as a "christian" because of how he journeyed to his destination.

I thought 'joy' was my destination.....where I wanted to arrive at, what I was striving for. That it was the end of all....but I now realize that it is not my destination....no! All throughout the year, I kept asking, "Are we there yet?" But there is no "there" to get to. It is a process....a journey! But not a journey TO joy....it was my journey OF joy.

Now, what will the year of 2010 be? The year of the goat?